Title: "Wait"
Fandom: Dead Poets Society
Pairing: Todd [Ethan Hawke]/Charlie [Gale Hansen]
Author: MonaR. (aka Mona Ramsey, aka Mona)
Series: No.
Webpage: The skeleton of one is at
http://www.geocities.com/soho/studios/1126/
Rating: NC-17.
Warnings: Explicit slash (m/m) content, teenaged (16-17) characters, songfic.
Archive: Yes to the Marrow of Life only.
Notes: I don't use betas. :( Any mistakes are solely my fault and the fault of my *#^&@ spellcheck. ** is used for emphasis, // for thought. Any weird characters should be hunted down and killed.
Spoilers: Yeah, for the movie.
Summary: A first time.

{It's nice that when I hurt, writing can be my comfort. I *will* miss it when it's gone.
"Wait" is by Sarah McLachlan.}

"Wait"
by MonaR.
monaram@yahoo.com

under a blackened sky
far beyond the glaring streetlights
sleeping on empty dreams
the vultures lie in wait
you lay down beside me then
you were with me every waking hour
so close I could feel your breath

**********

There were many sounds in the woods that night, but the only one that resonated for the two young men was the sharp, cold crackle of the twigs underfoot as they walked the well-worn path to their meeting place.

Normally any or all of the others would have been there with them: Neil, Cameron, Pitts, Knox. There was nearly always a protective group of others with them, keeping them safe, but the meeting had been and gone already that night and only the two of them, Todd and Charlie, came out again, alone together. The mist of their breath preceded them, and though the darkness was pierced by the glow of a single flashlight, now and again one of them would stumble, only to be righted by the other.

They hadn't spoken more than five words to each other all night - although they had pretended that the night was the same as any of the others, and Charlie had been boisterous and laughing, as usual, and Todd watched him and the others in silent contemplation - still both of them had known what would happen when they could be alone. There was something about *this* night - something about the phases of the moon and the chill air and the tenderness of broken silence that had been marked and set aside for them. They had returned to the school from their meeting and had not spoken, and had laid down in their separate beds and listened for the even breathing of their roommates, and then they took their leave, meeting in the hallway, still silent. There were no questions, there was no hesitation. It had to be now.

**********

when all we wanted was the dream
to have and to hold
that precious little thing
like every generation yields
the new born hope unjaded by the years

**********

They had never talked about it, never discussed what had drawn them to each other, but there had been a lot of near-silent meetings in the last two weeks for the two of them - nights when they would come together through some unspoken agreement, meet somewhere dark and crouched and secret within the school's prison-walls, somewhere there was room for biting kisses and skin caressed through cloth by warm hands and little else. Such passion could not be contained within those walls for long, however; it demanded to burst out in some way, somehow.

The expansive forest welcomed them, as had the night, with enveloping darkness that made even the hardiest of sins holy. The cold was their friend and their excuse; bodies could touch in the cold for warmth if for no other reason, even when in reality they touched for *every* other reason. The cave-floor of damp leaves provided a bed, and the pale embers glowed from the near-dead fire. There was a little warmth from that glow, but not enough, and neither moved to stir the fire into life again. There wasn't time, and they didn't want that sort of heat.

Charlie took off his coat and lay it down on the damp layer of trodden leaves, and kneeled, waiting. Todd hesitated only a moment, shivering through the thick layers of his clothing, and then took the outstretched hand that grasped at his hesitation, and was instantly lost. They breathed in fear in this place, tasted the warmth of it in their throats, thick and heavy like smoke, but even the danger of it was something that could not be denied.

**********

pressed up against the glass
I found myself wanting sympathy
but to be consumed again
oh I know would be the death of me

**********

They sought refuge from the chill night in each other's clothes and against each other's skin, cold hands pressed over warm flesh. Breathing meant tasting searing fire, thinking was like drowning in doubt, so they tried to survive without either one, without speaking or asking questions that were moot at this point of no return.

Todd shivered as every button was released, both from the cold air and from the unrelenting possibility of exposure. No-one knew that they were there and there was no reason to believe that they would be found, but he could not make his hands stop shaking, anyway. It wasn't until Charlie covered his cold hands with his own, and drew them to his lips, breathing and kissing a little warmth over the fingers, that Todd could stop the little voice in his mind that whispered insistent thoughts of flight. It was too late for anything like that, and he couldn't even pretend that was what he wanted, anymore; not really. The danger inherent in this sort of sin was all a part of what he had been told, all of his life, part of those rules of living that had more to do with propriety and breeding and fear than with actual *life* or living. Those errant thoughts weren't *real*; reality was Charlie holding his hands and kissing them so softly, until he could once again feel the rush of blood through them.

Todd finally shed the last of his clothing, lay down shivering on his own outstretched coat, and waited, watching. It was very dim in the cave, but there was a little moonlight, and it hadn't taken long to adjust his eyes to night-vision. It helped that Charlie's skin was very pale, almost glowing as he quickly shed his clothes and spread himself out over Todd, drawing his own coat over top of them both.

**********

and there is a love that's inherently given
a kind of blindness offered to deceive
and in that light of forbidden joy
oh I know I won't receive it

**********

It was *so* cold. Todd could feel the bite of air against his nose and cheeks, but everything else - everywhere Charlie was touching him - was heated by little flames of fire. More than just the thrill of every forbidden touch was the *weight* of the other boy on top of him, the little whuffs of breath against his skin, the transferred heat of another body. One thing among many that had never been spoken was the word 'love' - either in the form of thought or deed.

There was heat to be had in kisses, and in touches; Todd lifted his head up to Charlie's and drew him into a kiss that flamed and spread over the rest of his body, heating his skin. Cold fingers trailed over his body, and made him shiver anew, not *quite* with the cold, and they pressed together full-length, and the delicious heaviness was just enough to arouse him. This arousal was nothing new - there had been his own hands and fantasies of sex and there had been other kisses and touches with Charlie, in other stolen moments - but nothing like *this*, nothing so bare and raw and exposed. There was nowhere to hide, here; they rubbed against each other, urgently, wanting the feelings to last but wanting them to end, too, so they could stop looking at each other, and go back where it was safe and warm, and pretend.

Todd closed his eyes, clenched his hands against Charlie's bare back, and bit his own lip hard enough to leave a bruise. He didn't want to be here, suddenly; it was all too much, too soon, and his back ached and he was freezing and he wanted to be warm and in bed. He struggled a little, and then Charlie kissed him again, and touched him, and he was lost.

**********

when all we wanted was the dream
to have and to hold
that precious little thing
like every generation yields
the newborn hope unjaded by their years

**********

It hurt Todd to look at Charlie; it hurt to look at him and feel him and know where this pleasure came from. He tried to keep his eyes closed, and clamped down his mouth so his joy in what they were doing wouldn't be heard, but it was so hard to contain it. His body wouldn't co-operate at all; his hips thrust up into the hand that grasped him, wanting more stimulation to the centre of his desire, and Charlie wouldn't let him go. Todd drew so close to the edge that it hurt and he wanted to shout out for Charlie to stop, but he couldn't - and then he was coming, spattered drops of heat and shame warm against his belly, and still the thrusting continued until there was nothing left, and his eyes filled with hot tears.

Charlie held him while he wept. Todd tried to push him away, but he couldn't speak clearly through his tears and Charlie didn't understand - or maybe he did, and simply *wouldn't* let go. Whatever the case, Todd finally gave up and held on to him, desperately, muffling his cries against a shoulder that had been bruised earlier by his kisses.

When Todd stilled, finally, completely drained and incapable of moving or speaking or even crying anymore, Charlie kissed him, over and over, and touched himself, and came, thrusting against Todd's hips, without the tears.

**********

you know if I leave you now
it doesn't mean I love you any less
it's just the state I'm in
I can't be good to anyone else like this

**********

Todd didn't want to go anywhere, just wanted to lay here for the rest of his life and sleep, until he died or the world ended, whichever came first. Charlie lay curled up on his side, with his head on Todd's belly; he'd wiped both of them clean and dry with his scarf, which was crumpled up beside the dead fire. He had tried to talk but Todd wouldn't listen to him and wouldn't answer, and there was no point.

It was all so terrible, so awful. There were no words to describe it. He knew now why love like this was a sin and why they had been warned, all of their lives: because it was beautiful. The want had been bad enough, but there was always the hope underneath it that kept them pure, the hope that perhaps giving in to desire would be worse than the ache of that unrelenting need. Now he knew the truth, and it was horrible: he would always want this, always want to feel what he had felt here, with Charlie. There would never be anything else which would be as wonderful as this feeling; there *couldn't* be. He would always want, and he would always know, and it would draw him back here or places like this, shadowed and hidden, again and again. He wanted to go back to not knowing, to hollow-eyed fear and aching desire and innocence. He didn't know how he would ever act the part of a boy again, when everything that he'd known had been lost.

Charlie stirred and picked through the tangle of their clothes, separating them. Todd moved, reluctantly; it would be light, soon, and they had to get back in time to start pretending. No-one could ever know, not even their friends - especially not their friends; the secret was theirs alone. He didn't know how he would ever be able to look Charlie in the eyes again - or Neil, or any of the others - without thinking of this place, or how he would be able to come back here, no matter how cold it was, without the heat of desire surging through his bones. It was all impossible.

Charlie grasped his hand when they were dressed, and they walked together to the mouth of the cave. The stars were still bright in the lightening sky, although they would soon disappear; they stood and watched them through the trees. Then Charlie kissed him, for a long time, and it was different than it had been, before, with less urgency and more promise. Todd knew that they would come back here, and they would be together again. This was the only safe place, now, and the only one where the masks could come off and they could *be*. He looked back at the crushed leaves that marked their bed, and saw Charlie's ruined scarf, crumpled in a ball, and was tempted to leave it there, so that they might be discovered, after all, and end the lies before they started. Charlie followed his eyes, though, and saw it too, and picked it up and shoved it into his coat-pocket. They were safe.

They walked back to the school without touching.

**********

when all we wanted was the dream
to have and to hold
that precious little thing
like every generation yields
the newborn hope unjaded by their years

The End
MonaR.


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